6December 2006

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Boy do I feel like a real grownup today: I just set up my very own prepaid cremation plan through the Neptune Society. That's the plan my mom had set up for herself several years ago, and they were wonderful — took care of absolutely everything. Even handled the death certificate and notifying Social Security. We had a bit of unpleasantness in the first moments after her death, however. Her husband, whom she had undoubtedly expected to handle things, had completely fallen apart. The neighbor called 911 and after the ambulance left, an officer from the sheriff's department  together with a local chaplain came to stay with him while the family was assembled. Meanwhile, nobody knew what to do with my mother's body still lying where she'd collapsed of a heart attack on the kitchen floor. So when the police officer suggested calling the local funeral home, I agreed, not knowing we were supposed to call the Neptune Society and they'd handle everything. My mom's sister, who was the only one to remember about the Neptune plan, arrived just as the funeral home was taking Mom's body away, but it was too late by then.

Then the funeral home started trying to scam us. I told them Neptune would be taking possession of the body; they told Neptune that we had decided to let the funeral home handle everything — for about $3,500! (And they probably lowballed that figure, too.) This despite the fact that Mom's Neptune plan was bought and paid for. When I refused in no uncertain terms, they actually tried to charge $600 for the body removal and storage. Naturally, they said they would waive that charge if we used their funeral services. My aunt raised bloody hell until they agreed to cut the price in half. An expensive lesson.

Needless to say, that experience soured me on funeral homes for good. And I'm going to make very sure that my son — not just my husband — knows my wishes. They're even putting his name on the plastic card they're issuing. And I bought the beefed-up plan that guarantees they'll collect my body no matter where I die. Since we plan to do some traveling around America in our RV, that's a good insurance policy.

Now that I know all about the Neptune Society, I'm very confident that I chose the very best, most cost-effective plan there is for dealing with the end of my life. We all gotta go sometime!

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